Office Induction: HR
Posted on Friday, 6 July 2018
Racecar drivers tend not to just show up on race day and wing it, they study the track beforehand to understand what lies ahead. At a lower speed, when starting with a new organization, you should familiarize yourself with policies and procedures and all that jazz, so that you wind up being a valued and valuable member of the team and not the workplace equivalent of the band member who hasn’t learned the songs yet. Don’t worry, you won’t have to go it alone, there is a whole super–exciting* process known as ‘induction’ or ‘orientation’ that will fill in all the blanks for you.

*Excitement not guaranteed and actual levels may vary.

We’ll dive right in while on the subject of excitement; cool your jets, pump the brakes, and take a breath to curb yours with some consideration before posting online, especially where anything work–related is concerned. The unfortunate result of infinite connectivity stemming from social media is that basically anything you do or post online can be found and seen by others, so if you’re slagging off your boss in ALL CAPS on Facebook, there’s a very good chance of it coming back around and affecting your working life.

On the flip side of affecting your working life is affecting the working lives of others. One thing that should go without saying but often needs to be said is that risqué content should never be sent to anyone by any means in any workplace. If it’s lewd, nude, or crude, forward it to the recycle bin exclusively and empty it presently.

Throw a stone in any direction and you’ll probably hit someone with a Smartphone (NB: don’t throw stones at people). We rely on them like a mass produced vital organ, they’re super handy, but they’re also super distracting to yourself and others in the workplace. So, if you’re gonna use your phone at work, at least be considerate about it. You know, don’t be excessive, talk quietly, and as Connery told Zeta–Jones in Entrapment to “keep it taut” as she knotted a tightrope and proceeded to walk across it or something, keep your phone calls taut. Yes, taut phone calls are a thing.

Many people would love to wake up poolside on a banana lounge all year round, sipping a mimosa in the sun till champagne breakfast is ready. Unfortunately, the reality for most of us is that we have to go to work and do our jobs, and one responsibility that most of us have is to be fit for the duties that those jobs entail. That includes not coming directly from that champagne breakfast into the morning meeting, mimosa still in hand. I jest of course but drugs and alcohol in the workplace are no joke and you must abide your company’s policy and be fit to perform your tasks safely.

When the very real fear of cooties wears away and kids start revealing their crushes to their little best friends, the information carries with it an understanding that it is secret needle–in–your–eye kind of stuff. Betraying that trust will undoubtedly leave the sharer a playground pariah, like the Robert Ford of the jungle gym. In the grown–up world of business and workplaces, revealing sensitive information like financial data and private company details will carry a similar punishment but with more potential for financial ruination and imprisonment.

Equality is the equal and fair treatment of all people in the workplace; and a bit like how the humble egg is the essential ingredient of an omelette, or dare I say the only real ingredient; equality is a similarly crucial element to any workplace culture. Any incidents of whisking or cracking or beating equality with harassment or threatening behavior, including online threats, must be reported and addressed immediately with the steadfast resolve one conjures when finding a chef’s hair in their folded eggs.

Most companies have a veritable shopping list of policies and procedures, and each of them is created for a reason. Failing to abide by them may have serious consequences, and while most likely not in the Schwarzenegger cybernetic–organism–from–the–future kind of way, you may be terminated from employment; or worse, you may bear litigation. So if your policy forbids you from disclosing details about the living tissue or the metal endoskeletons, then don’t blab at the pub about the Terminators your company makes.

Remember when that One–Scene Thematic Exposition Guy tells Neo that he “needs to unplug, man” at the start of The Matrix? Firstly, who accuses Keanu Reeves of needing to unplug? But secondly, and more importantly, One–Scene Thematic Exposition Guy knows that being overwhelmed with stress can seriously affect your ability to perform daily tasks. One–Scene Thematic Exposition Guy knows that learning to manage stress is critical to maintaining health and wellbeing in both your private and professional lives.